Therapy Mini: Why Are We So Proud of Doing It Alone?
We live in a culture that places a lot of value on independence. Being able to cope on our own, sort things out ourselves and not need anyone else can be seen as a sign that we're strong, capable and resilient.
There's nothing wrong with being independent, of course. Being able to look after ourselves and take responsibility for our lives can be incredibly important. But I wonder whether we've sometimes taken independence a little too far, to the point where needing help has become something we feel we should avoid... because it's interesting how often we are proud of doing things alone.
We might tell people, "I've always been someone who just gets on with it," or "I don't like relying on other people." We might carry far more than we're comfortable with rather than ask somebody to help us, even when that help is freely offered.
Yet when somebody else needs us, we're often much more comfortable stepping in.
Why is helping others easier?
Think about how you respond when somebody you care about is struggling.
You might listen to them, make them a cup of tea, offer to pick something up for them, sit with them when they're upset or simply let them know that you're there. You might reassure them that they don't have to deal with everything on their own.
And you probably wouldn't think less of them for needing that support.
In fact, you might be pleased that they trusted you enough to ask.
So why can it feel so different when we're the person who needs the help?
Perhaps because helping allows us to remain in the role of the capable one.
We know what to do.
We have something to offer.
We can focus on somebody else's needs rather than having to sit with our own vulnerability...
...and all of that leaves us feeling much more comfortable being needed than needing.
What does asking for help bring up?
Asking for help can bring up much more than the simple act of saying, "Could you help me with this?"
It can mean admitting that something has become too much. It can mean allowing somebody else to see that we're struggling, rather than presenting the version of ourselves that seems to have everything under control.
For some people, there's also a fear of becoming a burden. We might worry that we're asking too much, that the other person will resent us, or that we'll owe them something in return. We might have learned somewhere along the way that our needs are inconvenient, or that being capable and self-sufficient is how we earn approval.
And sometimes we simply don't know how to receive.
If you've spent years being the person who looks after everyone else, being looked after can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. You might know exactly what to say when somebody else is having a difficult time, but feel completely lost when someone turns that same kindness towards you.
Where did we learn that we have to manage alone?
Our relationship with asking for help doesn't appear out of nowhere.
Perhaps you grew up in an environment where everyone just got on with things. Maybe asking for help wasn't encouraged, or perhaps there simply wasn't anyone available to ask. You may have become independent because you had to, rather than because you chose to be.
Or perhaps you've had experiences where reaching out didn't go well. You asked and were dismissed, criticised, let down or made to feel that you were asking too much.
It's understandable, then, that doing things alone can start to feel safer.
The difficulty is that something which once helped us cope can eventually become something that keeps us isolated.
Is doing it alone really a sign of strength?
Maybe we need to rethink what we mean by strength.
There is strength in managing things ourselves, but there can also be strength in recognising when we can't, or when we simply don't want to.
Asking for help doesn't erase our independence.
It doesn't mean we're incapable.
It doesn't mean we've failed.
Sometimes it means we've recognised our limits and decided that we don't have to prove anything by pushing ourselves beyond them.
And perhaps allowing somebody to help us is also part of being in a relationship with them. We often think of connection as something we give to other people, but allowing ourselves to receive can be a form of connection too.
We don't expect our friends, partners or family members to cope with everything without us. We want to be there for them.
Perhaps they want to be there for us too.
Maybe we were never meant to do everything alone
There is a difference between choosing independence and believing you must never need anyone.
We all need other people at different points in our lives. Sometimes we need practical help. Sometimes we need emotional support. Sometimes we simply need somebody to sit beside us while we work out what we're feeling.
That doesn't make us weak.
It makes us human.
Perhaps asking for help isn't something we need to become better at because we are failing to cope. Perhaps it's something we can gradually become more comfortable with because we are learning that we don't have to carry everything ourselves.
You don't have to wait until you're completely overwhelmed before you reach out.
And you don't have to prove that you can do everything alone.
A moment to breathe
Take a quiet moment and ask yourself:
Am I finding it easier to offer help to others than to accept it myself?
What do you tell yourself when you need support? Do you see asking for help as a weakness, a burden, or something you should only do when things become unbearable?
Perhaps today is an opportunity to consider whether doing everything alone is something you genuinely choose, or something you've learned you should be able to do.
You don't have to carry everything by yourself.
Closing — An invitation
If asking for help feels difficult, counselling can offer a space where you don't have to be the person who is always coping, helping or holding everything together. Together, we can explore where those beliefs about independence and needing others have come from, and gently consider what it might feel like to allow yourself to receive support too.
You don't have to wait until you're struggling to ask for help. Sometimes, reaching out is the beginning of no longer having to do it all alone.
If something in this post resonated and you’d like to explore counselling with me, you can get in touch through my contact form here. I’d love to hear from you.
For Every Story | Therapy Mini Series
Therapy Minis are bite-sized blogs by Simone Bell of Simone Bell Counselling. Each post takes an honest look at the thoughts, feelings, and everyday experiences that shape us - because every story matters, including yours.