Therapy Mini: Are You Living, or Editing Yourself?
Some lives aren't lived, they are edited in real time.
Only certain parts are allowed to be shared, carefully selected and presented in a way that feels acceptable. The awkward bits are cropped out, the difficult emotions are filtered, the things we don't want people to know are deleted, and sometimes the parts of ourselves that don't fit the picture are quietly discarded.
We are all familiar with doing this online. We choose the photograph, adjust the lighting, decide what makes the final cut and leave the rest sitting somewhere in the camera roll. We post the holiday but not the argument that happened before it. We share the achievement but perhaps not the months of self-doubt that came before it. We show the finished version without necessarily showing everything it took to get there.
But what happens when we start doing the same thing with ourselves?
The highlight reel
We know that social media is a highlight reel, yet somehow we can still find ourselves comparing our everyday, unedited lives with everyone else's carefully selected moments.
Someone else's relationship looks effortless. Their career seems to be moving forward. Their home looks beautiful, their friendships appear full, and they always seem to be doing something interesting.
Meanwhile, you're looking at your own life in its entirety, including the uncertainty, the difficult days, the unanswered messages, the arguments, the grief, the financial worries, the mistakes and all the things that never make it onto the screen.
It is a comparison that was never particularly fair to begin with.
And perhaps the same thing can happen internally. We compare the version of ourselves we allow other people to see with the parts of ourselves we keep hidden, and then wonder why we don't feel as confident, happy or together as we appear to be.
What are you filtering out?
Most of us have learned, in one way or another, that certain parts of ourselves are easier to show than others.
Perhaps you have learned that being upset makes you difficult, so you filter your sadness. Maybe asking for help feels like weakness, so you edit that part out. Perhaps you have become the person who is always coping, always capable and always there for everyone else, which means there doesn't seem to be much room left for anyone to see when you aren't.
You might even find yourself automatically saying, "I'm fine," before you've had a chance to consider whether you actually are.
The filter can become so familiar that we forget we're using it.
The crop
Sometimes we don't hide everything, we simply crop.
We leave out the part of the story that might make someone uncomfortable. We don't mention how lonely we felt, how angry we were, how frightened we became or how much something actually mattered to us.
We give people enough of the picture to understand what happened, but not necessarily enough to understand what it felt like.
There are good reasons for having boundaries, of course. We don't owe everyone access to every part of ourselves, and privacy isn't the same as pretending.
But there is a difference between choosing what we share and feeling as though certain parts of ourselves are not acceptable to exist at all.
The delete button
Then there are the things we'd rather delete completely.
The relationship that didn't work out. The mistake we still think about. The period of our life we'd rather not remember. The version of ourselves we feel embarrassed by. The feelings that seem inconvenient or unreasonable.
If only life had a delete button, perhaps we'd use it more often than we'd like to admit.
But experiences don't necessarily disappear because we've stopped talking about them. Sometimes the things we try hardest to remove from the story continue to influence the way we see ourselves, even when we're no longer consciously thinking about them.
Perhaps healing isn't always about deleting the difficult parts.
Perhaps it is about finding a way to include them without allowing them to become the whole story.
Are you living in draft mode?
There is another part of social media that feels surprisingly relevant here: the draft.
The message we write but don't send. The photograph we take but don't post. The thought we have but decide isn't worth saying.
Sometimes life can begin to feel a little like that.
We'll do it when we're more confident. We'll say it when we know exactly how they'll react. We'll go when we feel ready. We'll make the change when the timing is better.
So we wait.
And sometimes waiting feels safer than being seen.
But there is a difference between taking your time and keeping your life permanently in draft mode because you're afraid the final version won't be good enough.
The algorithm in your head
Social media algorithms learn what we engage with and show us more of it.
Our minds can sometimes work in surprisingly similar ways.
If you've spent years believing you're not good enough, too much, too sensitive, difficult, unattractive or incapable, you may become very good at noticing the moments that seem to prove the belief while overlooking the ones that challenge it.
That doesn't mean you're deliberately looking for evidence against yourself. It can simply become familiar. The belief has been repeated so often that your attention knows where to look.
And perhaps this is one reason changing the way we see ourselves can take time. We aren't just changing a thought. We're beginning to question a story that may have been running in the background for years.
Who are you when nobody is watching?
There is nothing wrong with wanting to present ourselves well. There is nothing wrong with privacy, boundaries, or choosing carefully what we share with other people.
The question is slightly different.
Are you editing yourself for other people, or are you editing yourself for yourself?
Are there feelings you won't allow yourself to have because they don't fit the person you think you should be? Are there things you want to do but keep postponing because you're waiting to feel more certain? Are there parts of yourself you've quietly decided are too much, not enough, embarrassing or unacceptable?
Perhaps authenticity isn't about showing everyone everything.
Perhaps it's about being able to be honest with yourself about what is actually there.
The unedited version
Counselling isn't about removing every difficult part of ourselves and creating a polished new version.
Perhaps it is more like opening up the editing room and looking at what we've been cutting out.
What have you been filtering?
What have you cropped?
What have you left sitting in drafts?
And what have you spent so long trying to delete that you've forgotten it is still part of your story?
Maybe you don't need a better version of yourself.
Maybe you need a little more room for the version of you that already exists.
A moment to breathe
Take a moment to consider:
What part of yourself have you been editing out lately?
You don't need to share it, fix it or explain it to anyone. Perhaps simply noticing it, without immediately judging it, is enough for today.
Closing — An invitation
If you find yourself constantly editing how you feel, what you say or the parts of yourself you allow other people to see, counselling can offer a space where you don't have to create a polished version of your story. You can bring the complicated bits, the unfinished thoughts, the things you haven't known how to say and the parts of yourself that perhaps haven't felt acceptable elsewhere.
If something in this post resonated and you’d like to explore counselling with me, you can get in touch through my contact form here. I’d love to hear from you.
For Every Story | Therapy Mini Series
Therapy Minis are bite-sized blogs by Simone Bell of Simone Bell Counselling. Each post takes an honest look at the thoughts, feelings, and everyday experiences that shape us - because every story matters, including yours.