Therapy Mini: What If Confidence Isn't the Problem?
Maybe it's not that you don't believe in yourself
When we talk about low self-confidence, we often assume the answer is obvious: we need more of it. We need to believe in ourselves, speak up, take opportunities, stop worrying about what other people think and somehow become the person who walks into a room without questioning whether they belong there.
There are countless articles, books and social media posts telling us how to become more confident, as though confidence is something we can simply switch on if we learn the right techniques.... But what if the problem isn't always a lack of confidence?
What if there is something underneath it?
What if you're afraid of getting it wrong?
Sometimes what looks like low confidence is actually a fear of failure.
You might know exactly what you want to say, but worry that you'll say it badly. You might have an idea at work but keep it to yourself because someone else might think it's foolish. You might want to try something new but spend so long imagining everything that could go wrong that you eventually decide not to try at all.
From the outside, this can look like a lack of confidence.
Inside, it can feel more like self-protection.
If you've learned that mistakes lead to criticism, embarrassment or rejection, it makes sense that you might become cautious about making them. Avoiding the possibility of getting something wrong can feel safer than discovering that you did.
What if you believe you have to be confident before you begin?
One of the problems with the way we talk about confidence is that we can start to believe we need to feel confident before we're allowed to do something.
We tell ourselves we'll apply for the job when we're more confident, speak up when we're more confident, go somewhere alone when we're more confident or leave the relationship when we're more confident.
But confidence doesn't always arrive first.
Sometimes it develops because we do the thing while feeling uncertain, uncomfortable or frightened and discover afterwards that we were capable of managing it.
You don't necessarily need to feel confident to take a step... sometimes the confidence comes from taking the step!
Perfectionism can look a lot like low confidence
There can also be a complicated relationship between confidence and perfectionism.
If you believe something needs to be done perfectly, starting can feel almost impossible. You might continually question whether your work is good enough, rewrite the email five times, compare yourself to everyone else or wait until you feel completely prepared before putting yourself forward.
You might describe yourself as lacking confidence, when actually you've set the bar so high that almost nothing you do feels good enough and when nothing feels good enough, confidence has very little room to grow.
Sometimes other people's voices become our own
There are also times when what we call low confidence has a much longer history.
Perhaps you were criticised a lot growing up. Perhaps you were made to feel that your opinions didn't matter, or that you were too sensitive, too loud, too quiet, too emotional or somehow never quite right. Perhaps someone repeatedly told you that you wouldn't succeed, that you weren't capable, or that other people were better than you.
Over time, those voices can become internalised. We don't necessarily need someone else to tell us we're not good enough because we've learned to say it to ourselves.
That doesn't mean those beliefs are true.
It means they have become familiar.
Confidence isn't the same as worth
Perhaps this is where the conversation about confidence becomes particularly important.
Your confidence may change from one situation to another, and from one period of your life to another. You can feel incredibly capable at work and completely uncertain in relationships. You can feel confident with your friends and struggle to speak up in a room full of strangers.
None of that determines your worth.
You don't become more valuable because you feel confident, and you don't become less valuable because you don't.
Maybe the goal isn't to become someone who never doubts themselves. Maybe it's to develop enough trust in yourself that doubt doesn't always get to make the decision.
So what if confidence isn't the problem?
Perhaps the more useful question isn't, "How can I become more confident?"
Perhaps it's:
"What is getting in the way of trusting myself?"
Maybe it's fear of failure.
Maybe it's perfectionism.
Maybe it's comparison.
Maybe it's shame.
Maybe it's something you've been told about yourself so often that you've stopped questioning whether it was ever true... and perhaps understanding that is a much more compassionate place to begin.
A moment to breathe
Take a moment to think about something you've been telling yourself you're "not confident enough" to do.
Then ask yourself:
Is confidence really what's missing, or is there something I'm afraid might happen if I try?
You don't have to answer it immediately. Sometimes asking a different question is enough to help us see ourselves differently.
Closing — An invitation
If low self-confidence has been affecting the way you see yourself, the choices you make, your relationships or the opportunities you feel able to pursue, counselling can offer a space to explore what might be underneath it. Sometimes what looks like a lack of confidence has roots in criticism, comparison, perfectionism, fear or experiences that have shaped the way you see yourself, and understanding those patterns can be the beginning of something changing.
If something in this post resonated and you’d like to explore counselling with me, you can get in touch through my contact form here. I’d love to hear from you.
For Every Story | Therapy Mini Series
Therapy Minis are bite-sized blogs by Simone Bell of Simone Bell Counselling. Each post takes an honest look at the thoughts, feelings, and everyday experiences that shape us - because every story matters, including yours.