Therapy Mini: Carrying Shame That Was Never Yours
Last week, I spoke about the quiet weight of shame and how it can shape the way we see ourselves. But there is another question worth asking: where did those beliefs begin? Because sometimes the shame we carry didn't start with us at all.
We aren't born ashamed
No one enters the world believing they are too much, not enough or somehow fundamentally flawed.
Those beliefs develop over time.
They can grow from the words we hear, the experiences we have and the environments we spend our lives trying to make sense of. A child who is repeatedly criticised may grow into an adult who questions everything they do. Someone who is bullied may carry the belief that they should stay small to avoid being noticed. A person who has experienced abuse may find themselves carrying shame that never belonged to them in the first place.
When these experiences happen, particularly in childhood or during vulnerable periods of our lives, it's easy to assume the problem must be us. After all, if we're treated as though we are difficult, unlovable or not good enough, we naturally begin to wonder whether it's true.
Shame has a way of borrowing our voice
One of the hardest things about shame is that it rarely sounds like someone else's opinion... over time, it begins to sound like our own.
The criticism we once heard from someone else becomes the way we speak to ourselves. The rejection we experienced becomes the expectation we carry into new relationships. The feeling of never being enough quietly follows us into work, friendships and family life until we stop recognising it as something we learned.
Instead, it simply feels like who we are.
What if the story isn't yours?
This isn't about avoiding responsibility for the choices we make or pretending painful experiences haven't shaped us. It is about becoming curious enough to ask an important question: Who taught me to believe this about myself?
Perhaps that belief came from a parent who was overwhelmed by their own struggles. Perhaps it came from a teacher whose words stayed with you far longer than they realised. Perhaps it developed in a relationship where criticism was constant, or through experiences of bullying, discrimination or exclusion.
Whatever its origin, recognising where shame began can be incredibly freeing. Not because it changes the past, but because it reminds us that not every belief we've carried deserves to stay.
You don't have to keep carrying it
Imagine carrying a heavy bag for years, believing it was yours, only to discover that someone else placed it on your shoulders long ago. You might still feel its weight, but you would also know that you have a choice about whether you continue carrying it.
Healing doesn't happen because we decide to forget what happened... it happens because we begin to separate our identity from the experiences that shaped us.
You are not the criticism you received.
You are not the labels that were placed upon you.
You are not the shame someone else handed to you.
Perhaps the first step isn't trying to become someone different.
Perhaps it's gently putting down something that was never yours to carry.
A moment to breathe
Take a quiet moment and ask yourself:
Is there a belief about myself that I've accepted as truth without ever asking where it came from?
You don't need to find the answer today. Simply asking the question may be enough to begin seeing yourself through a kinder lens.
Closing — An invitation
If you've spent years carrying beliefs about yourself that feel heavy, painful or difficult to shake, counselling can offer a space to explore where those beliefs began and whether they truly belong to you. Together, we can gently untangle the stories you've inherited from the experiences you've lived through, making room for a relationship with yourself that's built on compassion rather than shame.
If something in this post resonated and you’d like to explore counselling with me, you can get in touch through my contact form here. I’d love to hear from you.
For Every Story | Therapy Mini Series
Therapy Minis are bite-sized blogs by Simone Bell of Simone Bell Counselling. Each post takes an honest look at the thoughts, feelings, and everyday experiences that shape us - because every story matters, including yours.