Therapy Mini: What Does Choosing Yourself Really Mean?
"Choose yourself" It's one of those phrases we hear so often that it's easy to stop thinking about what it actually means.
We see it on social media, read it in books and hear it offered as advice when we're struggling. Yet for many people, particularly those who spend much of their lives caring for others or meeting the needs of those around them, it can feel confusing.
What does choosing yourself really look like, and is it the same as putting yourself first?
It's not about becoming selfish
I don't believe choosing yourself means deciding that your needs matter more than everyone else's. Most of us have people we love, responsibilities we value and commitments that are important to us. Life isn't lived in isolation, and healthy relationships naturally involve compromise, generosity and care.
The difficulty arises when that balance quietly shifts, and our own needs become the easiest ones to ignore. We postpone rest because there are more important things to do. We dismiss our feelings because someone else is having a harder time. We keep saying yes, even when we're exhausted, because disappointing other people feels more uncomfortable than disappointing ourselves.
Over time, this can become so familiar that we stop noticing we're doing it.
When did you stop including yourself?
I sometimes wonder whether choosing yourself is less about making dramatic changes and more about remembering that you're part of the equation.
When you make decisions, do your needs have a voice?
When you're tired, do you allow yourself to rest without feeling guilty?
When something hurts, do you acknowledge it, or do you quickly tell yourself that it isn't a big deal?
Many of us have become incredibly skilled at caring for other people while quietly overlooking ourselves. We don't do it because we don't matter. Often, it's because somewhere along the way we learned that being dependable, accommodating or selfless was something to strive for.
Of course, those qualities can be beautiful, but they become difficult to sustain when they're never balanced with the same kindness towards ourselves.
Choosing yourself can be surprisingly ordinary
It isn't always about making life-changing decisions or walking away from situations that no longer serve you... sometimes it's much quieter than that.
It might be recognising that you're overwhelmed instead of insisting you're fine.
It could be asking for help rather than carrying everything on your own.
Perhaps it's setting a boundary without feeling the need to apologise for having one, or giving yourself permission to take a break before you've reached breaking point.
Choosing yourself often looks less like changing your whole life and more like changing the way you respond to yourself.
You matter too
Perhaps that's what choosing yourself really means.
It's recognising that your thoughts, feelings and needs are just as worthy of care as everyone else's. It isn't about loving other people less or becoming someone who only ever puts themselves first. Instead, it's about making sure you don't disappear from your own life while trying to be everything to everyone else.
You deserve the same compassion, patience and understanding that you so readily offer to the people around you.
A moment to breathe
Take a quiet moment and ask yourself:
When was the last time I made a decision that cared for me as well as everyone else?
Notice whatever comes to mind without judgement. There isn't a right or wrong answer. Perhaps this is simply an opportunity to become curious about where you've been placing yourself, and where you might want to make a little more room.
Closing — An invitation
If you've spent so long putting everyone else first that you've lost sight of your own needs, counselling can offer a space to reconnect with yourself without guilt or judgement. Together, we can explore the beliefs, expectations and experiences that have shaped the way you care for others, while gently making room for your own wellbeing too.
If something in this post resonated and you’d like to explore counselling with me, you can get in touch through my contact form here. I’d love to hear from you.
For Every Story | Therapy Mini Series
Therapy Minis are bite-sized blogs by Simone Bell of Simone Bell Counselling. Each post takes an honest look at the thoughts, feelings, and everyday experiences that shape us - because every story matters, including yours.