Therapy Mini: Why Is It So Hard to Forgive Myself?

Have you ever found yourself looking back at a decision you made years ago and wondering how you could have got it so wrong? Perhaps you stayed in a situation longer than you wanted to, ignored your own needs, hurt someone you care about, or made a choice that you now wish you could take back.

Even when circumstances have changed, you might find yourself returning to the same memories, replaying conversations and imagining what you should have done differently. You may understand, logically, that you cannot change the past, yet still struggle to stop punishing yourself for it.

So why can it be so difficult to offer ourselves the forgiveness we might be willing to give someone else?

When regret becomes a way of punishing ourselves

Sometimes, holding onto guilt can feel like a way of showing that we understand the seriousness of what happened. We might believe that if we stop feeling bad, we're letting ourselves off the hook, forgetting the hurt we've caused or pretending our choices didn't matter.

We might tell ourselves that we should have known better, even when we were making decisions with the knowledge, experience and emotional resources we had at the time. We judge our past selves using what we know now, overlooking the uncertainty, pressures or fears that shaped the choices we made then.

Taking responsibility for our actions matters, and there may be things we need to acknowledge, repair or learn from. But there is a difference between recognising that we've made mistakes and deciding that those mistakes mean we deserve to feel bad about ourselves forever.

The resentment we turn towards ourselves

Sometimes, the hardest feelings to forgive are connected to the ways we've abandoned our own needs. Perhaps we stayed quiet when something hurt us, continued saying yes when we wanted to say no, or spent years trying to keep other people happy at our own expense.

Looking back, we might feel angry with ourselves for not speaking up sooner, for accepting less than we needed or for allowing a situation to continue. That anger can become resentment towards the person we used to be, as though criticising them now might somehow undo what happened.

Yet our past selves may have been trying to protect a relationship, avoid conflict, maintain stability or simply get through a difficult period with the options they could see at the time. Understanding this doesn't mean every decision was right for us, but it may help us recognise that there were reasons we responded as we did.

Instead of asking why we didn't know better, we might begin asking what made it difficult to act differently. That question can lead us towards understanding rather than blame, and help us recognise what we need to do differently now.

Forgiving yourself doesn't mean saying it was okay

Self-forgiveness is sometimes mistaken for excusing our behaviour or deciding that the past no longer matters. In reality, we can acknowledge the impact of our choices, take responsibility where necessary and make meaningful changes without continuing to define ourselves by what went wrong.

We can also forgive ourselves for changing our minds. Perhaps we once wanted something that no longer fits, or made commitments that we now struggle to maintain. We may feel guilty about disappointing people when we begin to set boundaries or choose a different direction, particularly if others have grown accustomed to us being available, accommodating or dependable.

Changing course doesn't automatically mean we've failed someone, just as recognising that a situation is no longer right for us doesn't erase what it once meant. We are allowed to learn, reconsider and make different choices as we understand ourselves better.

Forgiveness asks us to consider whether we can acknowledge the past without allowing it to determine how we treat ourselves in the present.

A moment to breathe

Take a quiet moment and ask yourself:

What am I still holding against myself, and what would it mean to understand that version of me rather than punish them?

You may not feel ready to forgive yourself straight away, and you don't need to force a feeling that isn't there. Perhaps you can begin by recognising what you were dealing with, what you needed at the time, or what you understand now that you didn't understand then.

You cannot return to the past and make a different choice, but you can decide what you carry forward from it. The lessons may still matter, even when the punishment no longer needs to and you can take responsibility for who you've been without denying yourself the chance to become someone different.

Closing — An invitation

If you're struggling with guilt, regret or resentment towards yourself, counselling can offer a space to explore these feelings without adding further judgement. You can begin to understand the experiences and beliefs that keep you stuck, consider what responsibility or repair might look like, and find a kinder way to relate to yourself. You don't have to pretend the past didn't happen in order to stop letting it punish you.

If something in this post resonated and you’d like to explore counselling with me, you can get in touch through my contact form here. I’d love to hear from you.

For Every Story | Therapy Mini Series

Therapy Minis are bite-sized blogs by Simone Bell of Simone Bell Counselling. Each post takes an honest look at the thoughts, feelings, and everyday experiences that shape us - because every story matters, including yours.