Therapy Mini: Maybe You Don't Need to Be More Resilient
We hear the word resilience all the time.
It's often spoken about as something to aspire to.. a quality that helps us cope with life's challenges and bounce back when things become difficult. Yet, while resilience certainly has its place, I sometimes wonder whether we've become so focused on building it that we've forgotten to ask a different question: what if we don't actually need to be more resilient?
When resilience becomes another expectation
Resilience is usually described as a strength, and in many ways it is. There are times in life when drawing on our resilience helps us navigate uncertainty, loss, illness, caring responsibilities or unexpected change... it can definitely carry us through seasons we never imagined we'd face.
But I also think there's a danger in constantly celebrating resilience without acknowledging what sits behind it.
Because if someone tells you how resilient you are, it's worth remembering that they're also recognising you've had to endure something difficult.
For many people, resilience isn't a choice, it's simply what they've had to do.
You keep showing up because there are children to care for, parents to support, deadlines to meet or relationships to hold together. You continue because life doesn't pause while you're overwhelmed, and because stopping hasn't always felt like an option.
From the outside, that can look incredibly admirable.
From the inside, it can feel incredibly lonely.
The difference between coping and living
One of the things I often think about is how easily we can mistake coping for living.
We become so accustomed to managing, organising, supporting everyone else and getting through the day that we stop noticing the impact it's having on us. We tell ourselves we'll rest when things settle down, only to find that another challenge takes its place... then before long, surviving becomes our normal.
It's not that we're doing anything wrong. In fact, many of us are doing exactly what we've needed to do to get through. The difficulty is that survival mode isn't designed to be a permanent place to live.
Eventually, even the strongest people become tired!
A different question
Perhaps, instead of asking yourself, "How can I become more resilient?", it might be worth asking a different question.
What am I carrying that was never mine to carry alone?
Or perhaps...
What would change if I believed I didn't have to keep proving how much I can cope with?
I don't think needing rest means you've failed.
I don't think asking for help means you're weak.
I certainly don't think reaching your limit means you lack resilience.
It may simply mean you've been relying on it for far longer than anyone realises.
A moment to breathe
Take a slow breath in, and as you breathe out, ask yourself:
What have I been carrying simply because I believed I had to?
There's no need to find the perfect answer, simply noticing what comes to mind is enough, because sometimes the first step isn't becoming stronger, sometimes it's giving yourself permission to put something down.
Closing — An invitation
If you've spent so long being the strong one that asking for help feels unfamiliar, you're not alone. Counselling offers a space where you don't have to keep proving how much you can cope with. Together, we can gently explore what's been keeping you in survival mode, what you've been carrying for so long, and what it might look like to begin putting some of that weight down.
If something in this post resonated and you’d like to explore counselling with me, you can get in touch through my contact form here. I’d love to hear from you.
For Every Story | Therapy Mini Series
Therapy Minis are bite-sized blogs by Simone Bell of Simone Bell Counselling. Each post takes an honest look at the thoughts, feelings, and everyday experiences that shape us - because every story matters, including yours.