Therapy Mini: How Do I Cope When Someone I Love Is Chronically Ill?
Caring for someone you love through long-term illness can be both beautiful and heartbreaking; here’s how to hold on to yourself while you care for them.
When love meets illness
When someone you love becomes chronically ill, it’s like the ground shifts beneath both of you.
You adapt, they adapt, and suddenly “normal” becomes something you have to constantly renegotiate.
There’s the practical side: medication, appointments, endless planning, but there’s also the emotional side that no one really prepares you for.
The grief.
The guilt.
The exhaustion that lives quietly under your love.
You want to help, you want to be patient, but some days it feels like you’re holding up the whole world with your bare hands.
The truth no one tells you
When you’re caring for someone who’s unwell, people often ask, “How are they?”, but rarely, “How are you?”
So you learn to keep quiet about your feelings... you smile... you keep going...
But underneath, there’s often a quiet ache:
-
The sadness of seeing someone you love in pain
-
The guilt of wanting space when they need you
-
The fear of what might happen next
You love them deeply (that’s never in question) but that love can sometimes leave you feeling lost inside your own life.
The grief behind the care
Caring brings a kind of grief that’s easy to miss.
It’s not just about losing what was, it’s also about missing the version of you that existed before illness arrived.
You might miss being spontaneous.
You might miss laughter without worry attached.
You might miss the ease in your relationship, when it wasn’t wrapped in logistics and hospital appointments.
This is what’s known as ambiguous loss, when the person you love is still here physically, but life has changed in ways that make you ache for what used to be.
It’s real, and it deserves space.
How to cope (without losing yourself)
You can’t pour endlessly from an empty cup, even when it’s for someone you love.
Coping isn’t about pretending everything’s fine; it’s about creating small ways to stay whole while you care.
Here are a few gentle reminders:
You’re allowed to rest.
Needing time to yourself doesn’t mean you love them any less, it means you’re human.
You’re allowed to feel it all.
Anger, guilt, sadness, love, frustration, they can all exist together and none of them make you a bad carer.
You’re allowed to still have a life.
Joy, laughter, and fulfilment don’t cancel out your compassion, they refill it.
You’re allowed to ask for help.
You don’t have to carry everything alone, whether that’s from family, support groups, or through counselling.
When counselling helps
Counselling gives you space to be you again; to speak freely, cry without guilt, and untangle the mix of emotions that come with caring.
It’s not about choosing between your needs and theirs, it’s about learning how both can coexist.
You also don’t need to be in crisis to reach out; sometimes it’s enough just to have one place where you can exhale.
Closing — An invitation
If caring for someone with a chronic illness has left you feeling unseen, tired, or quietly grieving, please know this: your feelings are valid too.
There’s space here for you... your strength, your struggle, and your story.
If something in this post resonated and you’d like to explore counselling with me, you can get in touch through my contact form here. I’d love to hear from you.
For Every Story | Therapy Mini Series
Therapy Minis are bite-sized blogs by Simone Bell of Simone Bell Counselling. Each post takes an honest look at the thoughts, feelings, and everyday experiences that shape us - because every story matters, including yours.