Therapy Mini: When Life Doesn’t Go Back - Grieving the Future You Imagined
Ambiguous loss is the kind of grief that comes when life changes but doesn’t end... and it’s one that carers and those living with chronic illness know all too well.
When loss has no ending
When someone you love becomes unwell ( or when you’re the one living with chronic illness ) the world doesn’t fall apart all at once.
It changes slowly, quietly, in ways that are hard to name.
You might still laugh, still show up, still find moments of joy, but underneath it all sits a quiet ache for the life you used to have.
This is what’s known as ambiguous loss - a grief that doesn’t come from death, but from change.
It’s the space between what was and what now is, and because there’s no funeral, no clear ending, the grief often goes unnoticed... even by you.
What it looks like
Ambiguous loss can appear in small moments:
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Seeing old photos and feeling a pang of sadness for what’s gone
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Missing spontaneity because every plan now depends on symptoms or energy
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Feeling lonely, even when your loved one is right beside you
You might feel silly for grieving when “they’re still here.”
But grief isn’t logical; it’s love with nowhere clear to go.
For carers, it can sound like:
“I miss how we used to be.”
“I love them, but sometimes I feel so lonely.”
“I want to hope, but I’m scared to.”
For the person living with illness, it can sound like:
“I miss the version of me who could do things without thinking.”
“I feel guilty for being a burden.”
“I want my body back.”
Different experiences. Same quiet heartbreak.
What helps
Ambiguous loss doesn’t ask you to move on, it asks you to make space for both love and sadness to coexist.
You can grieve and still laugh.
You can miss your old life and still find moments of peace in your new one.
You can carry loss and love side by side.
Talking it through in counselling can help you name what’s been lost, honour it, and gently begin to live alongside it - instead of pretending it’s not there.
A Moment to Breathe
Take a slow, deep breath.
Notice where your body holds the weight of this story... in your chest, your shoulders, your stomach.
Now ask yourself, gently, without judgment:
What am I still grieving that no one else can see?
You don’t need an answer right now.
Just awareness, that’s where healing quietly begins.
Closing — An invitation
If ambiguous loss has found its way into your life - through illness, caring, or change - please know that your grief is real, even if others don’t see it.
You don’t have to go through it alone.
If something in this post resonated and you’d like to explore counselling with me, you can get in touch through my contact form here. I’d love to hear from you.
For Every Story | Therapy Mini Series
Therapy Minis are bite-sized blogs by Simone Bell of Simone Bell Counselling. Each post takes an honest look at the thoughts, feelings, and everyday experiences that shape us - because every story matters, including yours.